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The art of the deal
Posted:Nov 11, 2018 7:31 am
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2018 9:41 am
231 Views

When I started my "new" job (at which I have now been working 1 human year) I asked how many vendors we had and no one knew . Which is bad . So they hired a lady to be the vendor manager and she hired her nephew Jimmy to be her helper . They were awful . Lady quit after 2 months so Jimmy because they vendor manager . He quit a few days later . So then they hired a vendor to manage our vendors . They are awful and do nothing . But we signed a contract so we're stuck with them . So they hired a new lady to be the vendor manager and do the stuff the vendor management vendor is supposed to do but is not doing but gets paid an obscene amount of money to do .

Sidenote in the 12 months I've worked there this has happened at least half a dozen times , a person is incompetent and quits or is fired , they sign a contract with a managed service that costs a fortune , the managed service is 100% useless , so they hire someone to do the job again while still paying the managed service tons of money for years to come .

And somehow we're not making money . It's hard to fathom .

Anyway , I went to a training course this week put on my our useless vendor management vendor because I thought it was going to about what they were supposed to do to manage our vendors . But it wasn't . Instead it was about how to negotiate . And I have not yet become disgruntled enough with this job to just walk out of a meeting in disgust so I sat there and let it happen to me .

I've never read the Art of the Deal but I imagine it's this same kind of bullshit .

I can condense the entire hour down into a nutshell for you "Be an asshole" . The entire thing was about how to put your opponent (because thinking about your vendors as enemies to overcome is a good idea) "on their heels" and making them confused so you can bend them over a barrel and go nuts on their tender butthole . My favorite part is when the dude said you should lie and then immediately went onto the list of lies you should have ready .

I don't know exactly what job it is to negotiate these things but I think whoever these people are they've replaced Radio DJs as my most hated people .

Here are my suggested techniques for negotiation based on this training class .

1. Show up drunk

Super drunk . Falling down drunk . This show them that you don't give a shit about their negotiation which will make them feel sad and give you the advantage . They'll really be back on their heels when you vomit right on their chest . Plan ahead and have some accomplices come in halfway through the meeting and pretend to ambush you with an intervention . Refuse to get help . This will show them that you don't back down and will make them want to give in to your demands .

2. Constantly blast farts right in their faces

Filling the room with noxious gasses will really make them uncomfortable . Make sure the room is airtight and start cracking off . Eat an entire tub of egg salad before you go in there . Every thing you say should be punctuated by a thunderous ass ripper . Also blame it on them . Try to get the stench in there so awful that someone with a weak stomach would puke their brains out . Bring in a pinch-farter if you don't have especially rancid ass gas .

3. Take off your shirt

First roll up your sleeves , then take the shirt off . This will confuse them . If you're in great shape it will make them feel bad about their body . If you're in horrible shape your fat belly swinging around will make them feel sad and grossed out . If you're a woman they'll be worried that you're going to call the sheriff and accuse the of ripping your shirt off - because you'll say that to them . If you have tons of backhair this will be especially effective . If you're not in good or bad shape give yourself ringworm - those lesions really freak people out .

4. Shout everything you say

Shouting is the strongest form of communication besides punching Morse code into someone's stomach (save that for later) . Establish your dominance by screaming constantly . If you can't think of any words to say just start grunting like a wild boar .

5. Expose yourself at a crucial moment

Whatever you got whip it out when things are really heating up . If you have a big cock they'll be intimidated . If you have a small cock you'll gain their sympathy . If you have a "normal" sized cock threaten to (banned topic) them to get them back on their heels . If you're a woman have surgery to get a cock . More than one if you can find a doctor willing to do it (I know a guy) . Get one implanted right on your chest . That really gets people back on their heels . If things are going well start sucking your own chest-cock to show them how little you think of their presence .

6. Weaponry

Bring it . Tridents are very good for negotiations . Klingon bat'leths are even better . A Hispano 20 mm autoannon you ripped off a WW2 Westland Whirlwind is best . If you forgot your weapons in the trunk improvise . Take off your belt and tie it to one of your shoes to form a crude morning star . Better yet knock them down and use one of their shoes - beating someone with their own shoe really puts people back on their heels . Threaten them with a pot of hot coffee . Blast them in the face with a fire extinguisher .

7. Don't compromise on anything

Whatever you want double it and then don't budge at all . Any time they try to cut back you double what you want again - and you never go back . They key to negotiating is insisting on your own way 100% and never letting them gain any ground . Force them to compromise , you do not compromise anything every .

8. Stalk them

If they leave the room to go to the bathroom follow them . Send them threatening messages via text or social media . Tell their spouse you're having an affair . Pick up their kids from school and ride them around for a while . Don't hurt them obviously , it's just the implication . Bombard them with nude selfies . Hack their account , steal their nude selfies and put them all over the internet . If they don't have any nude selfies install a camera in their shower . Dummy up video of them getting humped by Paul Rueben . Infect their computer with malware . Slash their tires .

9. Force their head under water

Bring a large tub of water and set it on the conference table . Don't say anything about it . When the time is right get them in a hammerlock and shove their face into the water . Suffocation really puts people back on their heels and makes them feel uncomfortable .
2 Comments
I slice off my shirt with my katana and activate my nipple ring of exquisite pain
Posted:Nov 10, 2018 12:21 pm
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2018 6:53 am
285 Views

If no one ever mentioned ayahuasca to me ever again that would be okay .

I may need to add the desire to try hallucinogens to the list of common factors women attracted to me have . I don't get it at all . Expand your mind ? What does that even mean ? And why is it good ? I think part of what I don't like about mushroom people is they seem to have a sense of superiority about it . Snooty mushroom people can go fly a kite says I .

Did you know that ayahuasca significantly reduces symptoms of treatment-resistant depression ? I didn't . Of course that could be just drug people trying to come up with a justification for the thing they want to do . That drives me crazy also . Potheads love to talk about all the other things you can do with hemp . Fuck off pal , you just want to get high - admit it . You don't have a rope factory .

The other day one of my oldest and dearest friends said this to me -

"I love hanging out with you because it makes me stop caring about all the stupid things in life that stress me out that don't really matter ."

followed shortly by him saying this -

"The problem is if we hang out for too long I find I stop caring about anything ."

40deuce - Use with caution .

If there's anything wrong with wanting to make sweet ,sweet love to a lady's asshole while she eats an entire box of Frosted Flakes hey I don't want to be right .

I just got a friend request from what I think is one of my childhood friends . That's slightly odd . I bet if I had stayed living in my childhood neighborhood where said friendship had existed we probably would have fooled around when we got to a certain age .

Now for one my classic take a listicle and pretend that's good content for a blog . The other day I read the 40 things no man over 40 should have because I wanted to hate myself more . I mean I do a pretty solid job of hating myself but we can always do better you know ?

Toys in boxes - Yep , although not that many really

Movie posters - Yep , Guardians of the Galaxy and Dark Knight

A condiment drawer - No , although I don't really eat fast food and that's what they're talking about . I know what they're getting at , but still there's no reason to throw those away if you'll use them right ?

Frozen dinners or snacks - I tater tots sometimes does that count ?

Instant coffee - Coffee is gross and I hate it . Another listicle thought told me if you don't have a coffee maker in your house for guests you're a piece of shit though so I lose anyway .

Sugary treats - No issue there , I mean 2 years ago sure , but I was 39 then so I guess I did it ?

Soft drinks - Even diet or "zero" versions . I have tons of these .

Beer sign - Not really an issue for me . Although this is bad at any age if you ask me .

Sports trophies - Does a pro wrestling belt count ? That's even worse I suppose . I watched a video on Adult XXX Date one time where a lady was banging this dude who had a WWE replica belt hanging above his bed . There were tons of comments on this video - all about the belt .

Fake plants - Is this even a thing ? I have never known a dude with fake plants in his house .

Plastic shelves - Nope , although they say particle board is also unacceptable and I think I have a shelf with those .

Futon - I don't think there's anything wrong with having a futon in a spare room . I would agree with not having it as your bed although no man over 40 would anyway because those things are uncomfortable as balls .

A recliner - Funny , I associate recliners with old people . Regardless I don't have one .

Old sheets and towels - How old ? My sheets and towel are all in good shape .

Clutter - My place is pretty tidy . Not sure why this only applies to men over 40 though .

Sheets used as curtains - Again , I don't think this is okay whatever age you are .

Beer can collection - Not an issue with me

A mattress with no frame - Like just on the floor ? Again I say , not acceptable at any age .

Mismatched dishes - I think I'm alright here .

A bean bag chair - I'm fine here , at least until I line up my home equity loan so I can a Love Sack .

Sports Paraphernalia - Not an issue for me but I think you would be hard pressed to find many men over 40 that don't have SOMETHING from a sports team hanging up somewhere . My brother in law has an entire room of Chicago Bears and Bulls crap .

DJ Equipment - WTF ? I feel like the lady who wrote this list has a specific ax to grind here . Who has DJ equipment ? Besides DJs .

Christmas Lights as decorations - Again , WTF ? Is this a thing ? I feel like she's just padding the list now .

A video gaming station - LOL good luck lady . I don't have one but every other man in America does . Man oh man do women hate video games . I guess because they hate the idea of anyone having fun .

Novelty anything - Seems pretty board . I think I have this one covered though .

Glassware with logos - Hmm , I have them but I don't use them . Is that better or worse ?

Grilled cheese maker - I didn't even know this was a thing . I don't care for grilled cheese myself .

Snuggy - The only Snuggies I've ever encountered were owned by women .

Crappy knives - Is this an issue ? I feel like I've had a decent knife set since day one .

Speakers - Not sure why this is a problem but I don't got'em .

Mounted Weaponry - Double LOL . This lady is clearly targeting her BF or husband with some of these . Who has a sword on their wall ? I mean I would , I just don't .

Sock with holes - I HATE holey socks . I throw socks away the minute they get a little thin . Did I say throw away ? I meant burn .

Body Spray - Once again I say never okay .

Ill-fitting clothing - This isn't my fault , they don't make clothes for fat people .

Wire or plastic hangers - Hubba what ? I'm supposed to have ALL wooden hangers ? That is insane madam .

Fluorescent bulbs - I don't frigging know who pays attention to what kind of light bulbs they have . Apparently women care a lot . Hey baby I got 8 thick inches AND a houseful of LED bulbs .

Bowling shirts - I have one , I wear it sometimes .

A mess - Seems like a duplicate . I don't do dishes every day .

A scooter - Huh ? Like the one you stand on and push or like a moped ? I have neither obviously but I don't think there's anything wrong with a motorized scooter if you live in a nice climate .

Shot glasses - Again not an issue for this guy .
4 Comments
Ménage à trois
Posted:Nov 5, 2018 5:21 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2018 5:53 pm
584 Views

Sometimes people say that bad things or deaths or good things or just things in general happen in threes . I bet most of them don't mean it , they just like saying things and they don't have anything to say so they say that . But some people probably do . Which I guess means that they believe in magic ? Have you ever met someone who's legitimately superstitious ? It's a bit jarring . Like when you see someone with brown socks and black slacks . It's just a bit off .

Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

40deuce's Three Laws of Sexy Fun Times

1. Condoms required

2. No choking

3. If you're going to engage in dirty talk keep it respectful

Newton's Three Laws of Motion

1. In an inertial frame of reference, an object either remains at rest or continues to move at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by a force.

2. In an inertial frame of reference, the vector sum of the forces F on an object is equal to the mass m of that object multiplied by the acceleration a of the object: F = ma. (It is assumed here that the mass m is constant )

3. When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body

Three rules from your sensei

1. Outsource your feelings

2. Limit your training to be task-specific

3. Assign regret to those accountable

Three rules of the mogwai

1. Do not expose the mogwai to bright lights or sunlight which will kill it

2. Do not let it get wet

3. Never feed it after midnight

Three rules of making gobs and gobs of cash money

1. Better before cheaper: Don’t compete on price, compete on value

2. Revenue before cost: Don’t drive profits by cutting cost, instead find ways to earn higher prices or higher volume

3. View all your other choices through the lens of the first two rules.

Three rules of having super powers

1. Never use your powers for personal gain

2. Never use lethal force unless there are no other options to save lives

3. Never reveal your true identity

Three rules of epidemics

1. Law of the few - before widespread popularity can be attained, a few key types of people must champion an idea, concept, or product before it can reach the tipping point

2. Stickiness Factor - the quality that compels people to pay close, sustained attention to a product, concept, or idea

3. Power of context - small variations in social groups and minor changes in a neighborhood or community environment as shifts that can cause a new idea to tip

The three parts of a joke

1. Setup

2 Reinforcement

3. Payoff


3 parts of a story

1. Introduction

2. Conflict

3. Resolution

3 rules for friendship

1. Accept yourself

2. Accept your friend

3. Establish and respect boundaries

3 steps to launder money

1. Placement , introducing cash into the system

2. Layering , camouflaging the source of the cash

3. Integration , extracting the wealth back to you

3 steps to love

1. Make yourself available

2. Be your true self

3. Be ruthlessly discriminating

3 rules of life

1. First you get the sugar

2. Then you get the power

3. Then you get the sex

Three stages of stress

1. Alarm

2. Freaking out

3. Being exhausted

The three Amigos

1. Ned Nederlander

2. Dusty Bottoms

3. Lucky Day
5 Comments
Alice and the Werewolf
Posted:Nov 3, 2018 1:16 pm
Last Updated:Nov 5, 2018 5:23 pm
673 Views

The surface of the mirror wavered and then after a moment rippled like the surface of a pond . On a nearby perch a plump striped cat glanced incuriously at the mirror for a moment before yawning and settling back to sleep . For several minutes the mirror continued to ripple – the wave-forms speeding up and slowing down until they reached a frantic pace . A moment late the mirror bowed outwards like the plastic of a balloon stretching being inflated . Suddenly with a sharp pop the mirror returned to normal and there stood Alice , returned from another adventure through the looking glass .

She released from her rough and weary hand her vorpal sword , terror of many a jabberwock , which stood curiously on point completely upright and straight rather than clattering to the ground . With a weary sigh she unbuckles the White Knight’s breastplate , scoured with shark-bites , and released it to the ground where it landed not with a clatter , but seemed to levitate – caught and carried to safety by living chess pieces . Taking off her blonde wig to reveal curly chestnut locks slick with sweat Alice sits heavily in a comfortable overstuffed chair , strands of the blonde wig held limply in her tired hand .

“Do you ever feel like you’re life is stuck on repeat ? That you’re just doing the same things over and over and over again ? I feel like I've killed so many bandersnatches that the word has lost all meaning .”

The cat looked up from its contented curled ball of sleep and answered her “Of course not, I’m a cat , cats don’t think of such things .”

Alice look at the mirror thoughtfully “Who would have thought such a life could become routine ?”

“You’ve been spending too much time in the looking glass Alice” said the cat “the folk down the rabbit hole are starting to think you’ve forgotten about them .”

After a long moment of silence Alice answered “Things are weird between the Knave of Hearts and I right now . . . it seemed best to give him some space .”

“More likely you just don’t want to deal with it .”

Alice closed her eyes and lay her head back “What do you know about it ? You’re just a cat .”

“You should be nicer to me , you could be just a dream of mine – perhaps if I woke up you would go out—bang ! —like a candle” .

“I should be so lucky , then I wouldn’t having to spend my time growing and shrinking and growing and shrinking all the time – the doctor says it’s really bad for me . Plus you’re awake right now anyway.”

“Am I though ?” said the cat “Life , what is it but a dream ?”

Alice lifted her head and leveled a stern finger at the cat “Don’t start in with that again .”

The cat’s response was interrupted by a knock-knock-knocking on the chamber door . A flower that can move about started towards the door but Alice waved off the Saint Bernard’s Lily and headed to the door herself . She seemed about to open it but then stopped with her hand on the knob and sang out sweetly “Who is it ?”

“Werewolf” came the gruff voice through the door .

“Pardon me ?”

“Werewolf ma’am , I’m here to eat you .”

Alice looked back at the cat and inquired “Did you hire a werewolf to eat me ?”

The cat grinned itself slowly into invisibility and replied “Don’t look at me .”

Alice groaned at this well-worn joke and then opened the door to reveal a massive shaggy black werewolf in a sharp looking black suit and tie .

“Whoa , your head is huge .”

The werewolf stalked into the room , sniffing the air , as Alice closed the door behind him . “Actually humans have very small heads as far as mammals go , relative to their body size . My head is perfectly proportioned for a wolf of this size .”

“Why are you that size ? If a werewolf is half man and half wolf shouldn’t you be halfway between their sizes and therefore smaller than a man ? You’re like 8 feet tall and probably 4 bills easy .”

The werewolf loomed over her at full height “I couldn’t say , I just know this is the size that I am . Any other questions ?”

“Yeah , why are you wearing that suit ? You have black fur , a black suit on top of that isn’t a very good look . That’s like a girl with red hair wearing a red dress . It’s too much .”

“Boy you’re just full of opinions aren’t you ? First you call me bighead and then you fashion shame me ? “

Alice shrugged “Well you are here to eat me .”

“Exactly , you should show a little more gratitude .”

Alice was nonplussed , she had grown used to a strange turn of phrase due to her career as an adventurer in fantastical hidden worlds . She sat back in her chair “Tell me one thing before the eating begins , Little Red Riding Hood , is that a werewolf in that whole deal or what ?”

“No , just a normal wolf .”

“That can talk and impersonate a grandmother ?” Alice said dubiously .
“Says the woman who’s been to more than one Lobster Quadrille .”

“Fair point” said Alice as she took out a small bottle with “DRINK ME” written on the side “I guess we better get to the eating then .”

The wolf licked his lips “Sounds good , pop those knickers off then and we’ll get to work .”

“What ?!” exclaimed Alice .

“I told you” said the werewolf “I’m here to eat you” and then held his fingers up in a V – lolling his tongue lusciously and wetly between them , sending a small spout of drool-droplets flying about the room .

“Oh , I thought you meant – “

“I know what you thought !” said the werewolf scornfully “you thought I was here to kill you and devour your flesh like a wasp in a wig devours a bucket of elephant honey . And why ?”

“Because you’re a werewolf” said Alice in a resigned tone .

“Exactly ! Just because I am a transformational American you assume that I’m going to hunt and slay my fellow man when all I wanted to do was pleasure you orally . Shame on you Alice , shame on you .”

“Well if I’m being honest I’m not super pumped about the idea of a wolfman slobbering all over my private parts anyway . I mean , it’s been a while sure , but I’m not getting humped by no werewolf .”

“No one said anything about humping , I just – “

“Yeah , yeah , whatever pal , I’m not into it” said Alice taking him by the arm and showing him to the door “You know , thanks for stopping by and whatnot but you can be on your way .”

The werewolf grabbed onto the doorframe as she tried to push him out “Wait , hold on just one second . How about if I just eat you a little bit ? Just to see how it feels .”

“Take a hint buddy , I got soup that has too much pepper in the kitchen calling my name and if you don’t get out of here right now I’ve got a flamingo-croquet mallet with your name on it .”

The werewolf backed out the door with this hands help up “Alright , alright” he said in a wounded tone “I was just trying to be neighborly , no need to threaten anyone with a bird-bludgeoning .”

As Alice closed the door the cat frowned himself back to visibility “FYI Alice , I ate that soup but I did leave you some Tweedledumplings .”
4 Comments
Pumpkin Spiritualist $10
Posted:Nov 2, 2018 6:08 pm
Last Updated:Nov 4, 2018 3:41 pm
713 Views
Another Halloween has come and gone and by dressing up like monsters and eating massive amounts of we have kept Shuma-Gorath sleeping in the tomb of Ard-Con for another year . But as we all know eventually the sleeper will awake and on that day many Shubs and Zulls will know what it is to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar .

But as the Halloween season comes to an end I have a to offer you . I haven't really made a big deal about this but I a pumpkin spiritualist . Before you toss away your Jack (or Jill) O Lantern bring it by my place and for a tenner I'll tell you about it's past lives .

You see not a lot of people know this anymore but the act of carving a face (or whatever) on a pumpkin (and certain other gourds) summons the spirit of a dead person into it - not for long but for a couple days . And for the low , low price of ten dollars American I will speak with the spirit in your carven pumpkin and tell you what their story is .

For instance a certain someone brought me a pumpkin with a mummy carved into it and I was able to tell her that the spirit within the pumpkin was a British gentlewomen from the 18th century who was by night a jewel thief . She was the classic gentleman bandit only you know , a lady .

She stole for the challenge of the job and avoided violence , restricting her targets to those who could the loss . She even went out of her way to stop more serious crimes , those with lives at stake - either on her own or with the help a few well placed friends . Murdering your target or stealing from them at gun point is not very genteel after all . It was not uncommon for her to give at least a part of the goods she stole to the poor , often while very cynically commenting on social injustice and how the rich surely got their wealth with dirty methods , so it's only fair to steal from them and then give to those who it .

"40 why would I give you ten bucks to make up a story about my pumpkin ?"

I making up nothing good sir or madam - my powers are real . I mean sure it's not a great power , you can't do much with it , but it's a part of who I am . And if you want to get in on the action you can . And if not that's cool too . No big whoop .



As I've mentioned IT people get to work real late and I go into work real early so for several hours in the morning one of the only people there . On Friday it's even worse because a lot of people work from home or just take the day off . Today I didn't see another living soul until . It was pretty dope .

So anyway the only other dude in the office came up to me and says to me "How's it going ?"

And I said "My butt is sore" . Not sure why I said that , I mean it was true , too much treadmill I suppose but that's generally not the kind of thing you say apropos of nothing . And I could see he was going to make some comment so I beat him to the punch and said "My boyfriend really went to town on me last night ."

And he staggered back and clutched at his chest like he had been kicked by a mule . Literally he went back 3-4 steps . It was bonkers . He was definitely going to make some comment about gay butt sex but somehow that was shocking him .

Needless to say that conversation was over .

There's some people out there that don't understand any sort of self-depreciating humor AT ALL . They can't even wrap their minds around it . I don't remember what I said but one time I made a jest at my expense and later that day one of the guys that heard it came and very earnestly came to try and explain that I was putting myself down and I said "I know , that's why it's funny" and the look on his face is like when I baby notices their toes for the first time . He could not fathom what was happening .

Second question - why would I tell anyone this story ?
5 Comments
Bat-Porn Wrestling League Round One - Roxy Rocket VS Cassandra Cain
Posted:Oct 29, 2018 5:29 pm
Last Updated:Nov 2, 2018 6:10 pm
952 Views

One of the big bosses at my workplace is one of those dudes who has to give everyone a nickname . He's deemed one of the security dudes "Grumpy cat" on account of his grumpiness and catness (happy Cat Day BTW ) . Out of curiosity I wondered what the deal was with grumpy cat , was he a freak of nature created in a lab and owned by some marketing firm or just some cat some people had . Turns out he's a freak of nature created by nature and just owned by some lady .

Which is pretty weird . One day you're just a lady managing a Red Lobster . The next day you have a million dollar revenue stream because of your cat . Many people have fantasies about quitting their job , I wonder how many of them are "I don't need this job anymore my cat is a meme" . I would have thought that any money that could be made off this mutant cat would have long dried up but it looks like there's still a lot of cash be to made .

In January 2018 , the California Federal Court jury sided with Grumpy Cat Limited and ordered Grenade Beverage Company to pay $710,000 in damages for copyright and trademark infringement .

What an odd country we live in .

Anyway the point is that I have encountered three of these nickname dudes - the aforementioned one , a coach I had in HS , and cashier at a convenience store I used to stop in all the time . Aside from needed to give everyone a nickname they all shared one thing in common - they failed to come up with a nickname for me . All of them at one time or a another looked at me for a while trying to think of a good nickname and then shrugged and walked away . I could tell it really bothered them .

I'm unnicknamable . Possibly because I have no discernable personality .

There's a news story going around about a kid who had a birthday party and no one showed up so the Houston Rockets did something to cheer him up - I don't know what exactly I don't pay much attention to these kind of stories . This is a "news" story that pops up every few months , some kid has a party and no one shows up so a celebrity or local sports team or reality moron throws them a party . And my question is always how does this happen ? Presumably the kid knows they have no friends so how does this come about ?

There's several scenarios , but I feel like this is the most likely one .

Mom comes and says she's going to throw a big party for kid and asks who to invite . Kid says they don't have any friends so don't have a party . Mom insists that can't be true and says she'll invite everyone from school . Kid begs her not to . Mom does it anyway . No one shows up . Kid is humiliated . Mom posts this on social media because I guess the kid isn't humiliated enough . Later on the kid is mocked and probably beaten by the other kids that didn't come to his party .

It's also possible that the kid is the delusional one .

Here's a less likely scenario but still one that 100% could and probably has happened . All the kids come to the one kid and say that he should have a party because they all want to come and be his friend . And he's overjoyed because he's new and/or doesn't fit in or whatever . And so he begs his parents to have a big party and the kids don't show because that was their plan all along . Because kids are horrible .

There's several million reasons I'm glad I don't have kids and one of them is the sometimes heart-wrenching calls I overhear at work where a parent on the phone is trying to tell their kid how to make friends or console them about other kids not liking them .

Because if your kid is a wiener or a dorkus or a spazz or a Debbie or a dingus or wingus or a fleeb or a quink or a willy-wolly or whatever there's really nothing you can do right ? Like sometimes parents try to help their kids make friends and it seems to backfire 100% of the time . If you're already lame to the other kids getting your parents involved doesn't help anything .

Seeing your kid struggle like that has to be the worst .

When I was a kid the only kid that got picked on worst than me in my neighborhood was this kid that wore a rain poncho one day which resulted in the kids calling him "Plastic" . Every day on the bus to and from school they would chant at him "Plastic sucks dick" . The entire time . I think the bus driver told them to stop once .

Anyway one day Plastic brought a bunch of apples onto the bus and he stood at the front and gave them to everyone . I 100% guarantee you that this was a move his mom recommended to try and win everyone over . Which of course resulted in everyone pelting him with apples out the window once he got off the bus .

There's this notion out there that kids that have a rough time early in life grow up to have great things happen to them later . Which is a nice sentiment of course but how often is it true ? Plastic for instance grew up to be a real creepy dude who still lives with his parents and got arrested for breaking into a woman's house to try and steal her toilet .

Was it because he was tormented daily for 10 plus years ? Hard to say .

And now it's time for my annual "They Live" commentary .

I watched it recently and I was struck by something new . It's hamfisted message about greed and selfishness is a good one but the problem is that it's presented as an outside influence . Aliens make us like that and all we need is for Roddy Piper to live long enough to blow up their transmitter to set us free of their control .

Except in real life there is no transmitter . This is just what we're like .

People that are into Science Fiction like to talk about how it addresses all kinds of sociopolitical issues that other kinds of fiction shy away from - which is sort of true although it's rarely done with any subtlety . Captain Clark and the crew of the NMSS Harmony fly to contrived civilization #44 where men are oppressed by women or people with star-shaped nipples get higher loan rates or violence is controlled with magnetic genital clamps or whatnot and we're shocked by the parallels IN OUR OWN SOCIETY !!!

But the issue is not how thinly veiled these "statements" are the problem is that they're shown to have very easy solutions . Captain Clark gives an impassioned speech , Security Officer Big Scary Alien risks his life to save a star-nipple kid , Roddy Piper blows up a thing , a mostly human looking robot pushes some buttons , one of our heroes does something and BANG , the problem is solved .

I suppose that have to do that because that's how TV (and most books) work - you have to wrap things up nicely or people will be pissed . But if you're trying to make a comment about the world we live in that seems like you're undermining the whole thing . Because they are no easy answers .

One time I said there are no easy answers and this lady said to me she said "There is an easy answer , love !"

Yeah , thanks .

I have two friends that often argue bitterly about all of life's issues and as an outside observer it seems strange to me because they in no way are speaking the same language . Dude #1 terms everything in some kind of fantasy world were people make logical and rational decisions without emotion and Dude #2 refutes him with what people actually do . So they get nowhere .

The point is this - sometimes I shave my beard so I have muttonchops . And people lose their minds . I never get so many strong reactions to just my appearance and or comments about it . It's strange .
5 Comments
Momma don't like no tattletales
Posted:Oct 28, 2018 8:50 am
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2018 4:46 pm
1044 Views

There's a movie called Speed , you've probably never heard of it because it's pretty obscure - only real cinefiles like myself have seen it . In Speed , which you've probably never heard of , there's a scene early on where the dude from Easy Rider has trapped from people in an elevator and is trying to get some ransom money . He is thwarted by Keanu and the guy from Dumb & Dumber . In this scene all the people who were trapped in the elevator are scrambling out but one lady is too scared to move . The last dude in there with her tries to get her to move out but when things start going south and it's clear that she's not going to move he bugs out and saves himself .

I think this is the right thing to do . He tried to save her , he made a legit effort , but it wasn't going to happen so he looked after his own safety .

I feel like 90% of people go one of two ways in that scenario - either they're assholes who don't try to help anyone and they're only look out for themselves , or they're the "no one left behind" type who stay in the elevator and also die trying to help past the point of reason .

And I feel like that's why we have so many problems as a species/society/whatever . There's not a lot of middle ground . Either 100% selfish or 100% self-sacrificing . Which obviously is going to cause issues .

One time this dude who's an army medic started laying into me verbally because all I ever do is talk about comic books and movies and TV shows and not about "real" life and out of nowhere this other dude I don't really know who's a vice cop stuck up for me .

He said that people learn and remember things through stories - the Bible is all parables for a reason - and that movies and TV are how we tell stories so that is what we should be talking about .

Which was nice to hear , but the truth is I'm just a no class beat down fool who has nothing else to talk about .

Here's my latest mash-up idea - a super-team is consisting of Dr. Quinn (medicine woman), Quint (shark murderer) , Q (James Bond gadgeteer) and Q (street fighting robot detective) is brought together from their various times in history by Q - the extra-dimensional being of unknown origin who possesses immeasurable power over normal human notions of time , space , the laws of physics and reality itself - in order to travel the world stopping terrible catastrophes .

They will be known as the Q-Crew and the ongoing joke is people will think they're a morning radio "crew" . It will be mildly funny at first and quickly people will grow to hate it .

In 1934 a Soviet scientist said "Hey , I bet gravitons are a thing and they make gravity happen" and all the other scientists were like "yeah , that sounds right" and they decided that they were massless because the gravitational force is very long range and appears to propagate at the speed of light .

But they don't know because if they exist they can't detect them . Because no one really understands how gravity works .

Newton described gravity as 'a force which causes any two bodies to be attracted to each other, with the force proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them' but that dude ate mercury and thought that the second coming of Jesus was going to happen any day so what does he know about anything ?
5 Comments
Are you judged by the cocks you suck ?
Posted:Oct 24, 2018 5:36 pm
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2018 4:21 pm
1931 Views
The answer of course is yes , the real question is should you be ? The answer us just as obviously no , but sadly the reality is that you will be anyway . You may be a perfectly nice person but if you're sucking the dick of a real piece of work there's going to be some cross-site scripting if you know what I mean .

It doesn't happen so much anymore but every now and then you get into a car with someone who doesn't wear a seatbelt and you're all like "huh ?" The whole ride just seems off . Somehow that seems much worse than riding a chopper without a helmet even though empirically it's not . The irony is that I'm so distracted by my passenger not wearing a seatbelt that I'm 800% more likely to crash . Is that irony ? No . But it's something .

Now it's one thing to not take the 3/4th of a second it takes to put your seatbelt on - that just means you don't care if you live or die . But back in olden times they used to have these cars where the "sash" part of the seatbelt was built into the car door and would automatically be across you when you got in . You still had to buckle the lap dealy mo bopper but you were halfway home .

I knew multiple people that in this situation , after the seatbelt was automatically on them , when lift it up , slide out from underneath and awkwardly jam it behind them . These people DID care if they lived or died and they were firmly on the "die" side of things . They expended effort and made themselves uncomfortable so they could be much less safe .

I am mildly surprised that we have seatbelt laws in this country since we've decided that people have the freedom to smoke and/or drink themselves to death all they like .

Sometimes I say to someone "Hey you forgot to fill out your TPS report" and they say something like "It's fine , my boss loves me" . And then later they get fired .

Here's the deal , at work there is a proverbial gun pointed at you 100% of the time . And you may think that your boss will never pull that trigger but that's not the right way to think about it . Because other people have access to that gun trigger . Your boss is not wholly in control of that gun trigger . Your boss might love you as much as an old lizard loves a flat sunny rock but what good does that do you when your bosses boss decides they don't like you ? Or another manager is pissed off at your boss and wants to fuck with them ? Or when you're overstaffed and they bring in an efficiency expert ? Or a thousand other scenarios ?

What you need to do is limit the number of bullets in that gun . Every time you say "this is dumb , I'm not going to this" you're putting a round in that chamber . Every time you say "Eh , no one pays attention to this" you're putting a round in that chamber . Nothing can stop the gun from being pointed right at your face all the time - what you need to work on is making sure that that gun has no ammo .

You've been around the block a time or two - you know the deal . It doesn't matter how good you are at your job or how awful someone else is - these things don't matter . What matter is who can go .

I hear all the time "Why did they fire Sally she's great ! They should have fired Heath that dude doesn't do shit !"

Heath is the only one who knows how to VERB the TECHNICAL JARGON so they can't get rid of him no matter how much he sucks - and he sucks a lot . Sally is great at her job , but there's two people doing what Sally does and they can just shift all the work over to Hector and just make him work twice a much . He's salaried so it works out fine . Not to mention which Sally has a lot of experience and she got paid commensurate to that experience - we saved a ton of money but getting rid of that highly skilled competent employee .

Competent employees are the bane of any office - they want all this money and recognition and benefits and stuff for their effort . Desperate losers who barely understand their jobs are much more cost efficient . And they love being told what to do . LOVE it .

Do more with less . It's the least we can do for our corporate overlords . They need our help if they're going to get that 5th summer home in Italy .

According at a recent Ernst and Young fraud questionnaire forty-two percent of executives believe they can justify unethical behavior to meet financial targets .

Think about that . This not based on how much fraud goes on , this is based on people saying "yes , I would commit fraud" . So if 42 percent admit to it clearly that means that 100% would actually do it - most of them are just smart enough not to admit it even on an anonymous survey .

According to a recent Ponemon Institute study 72% of employees reported that they would illegally disclose customer information if they boss asked them to or if they thought it would make their job easier .



I was listening to that Elvis (originally the Clovers) song "Down in the Alley" the other day . What's that about ? Did people hang out in alleys and bang back in the day ? Seems like something people would have done in like the 50's or 60s . I mean where else were they going to bang ?

"I wake you now and dig you later" what the heck does that mean ?

Did Elvis do anything terrible ? Is it still okay to listen to his music ?

People have had the lottery fever lately and as always when they catch the fever they inevitably talk about how "everyone" who wins the lottery ends up broke - but that won't happen to them because they're too smart . Then 30 seconds later they're talking about taking 1 million dollars to the casino and putting it on their lucky number on the roulette wheel because "who cares if you lose ?"

I mean the reality is that the people that do win the lottery and go bust is because they don't pay their taxes , but still thinking like that can't help .

I seen on the Tv that they have some kind of reality show about people building their dream home with lottery money . That pretty much sums up America right there .
3 Comments
Boob Jobs , Brass Knuckles & Botox - a Sandra Fagina mystery
Posted:Oct 22, 2018 3:09 pm
Last Updated:Oct 24, 2018 5:03 pm
2651 Views

Chapter 11 -

“Sob stories and pity are no excuses for your actions and behavior . You are responsible for your own life and you'll only be an embarrassment to yourself and a parasite to others if you don't make a change . Not everyone in the world is going to take pity on you , at some point you have to take the initiative before you're out on your own .”

Harsh words ? Maybe . But one’s that had to be said . Sandra sighed as she put away her silver iPhone XS , these days it was hard to remember why she had ever married Larry – there had been good times at the beginning hadn’t there been ? She had told herself she wouldn’t get involved in Larry’s bullshit again but here she was in the middle of another investigation getting sidetracked by her ex-husband’s never-ending drama .

From the passenger seat Sandra’s Gun Metal 2016 Subaru Forester 2.5i Limited with optional STARLINK 8.0-inch Multimedia Plus Anzana finished sending a text to Dickie and put her Twilight Huawei P20 Pro CLT-L29 away as well . Turning to Sandra she asked what the next move was .

“There’s a connection between Hubbard and the plastic surgeon Dr. Roncevaux but not sure what it is . She could be working him just like the security guard over at Saint Mary’s or they could be in on it together . What I’ve learned working these kinds of cases over the is that if you’re not sure what’s going on the best thing to do is to follow the person you suspect the most . With a little surveillance generally they’ll lead you right to what you want to know . As far as I can tell there’s three kinds of criminals , those who want to get caught , those who know their shit and never get investigated in the first place, and then the ones we deal with – they don’t want to get caught but they’re not half as smart or as careful as they think they are . If they were we wouldn’t be on their tail in the first place . Even when they know someone is on them sooner rather than later they reveal everything .”

Sandra sat back in her custom leather seat and pursed her lips slightly “It’s kind of sad really , or it would be if we weren’t talking about people doing horrible things , but your average person just isn’t that smart .”

Anzana started to ask another question but she stopped before she spoke and frowned slightly , pointing she said “Isn’t that Chupa coming across the street there ?”

Sandra looked . It was Chupa . Fucking Chupa with his fucking beady little rat eyes and his fucking Cosby sweater and his fucking penis-looking bald head . Sandra reached into the center console and slipped on her custom made thin cord titanium spiked “brass” knuckles .

“You better get out of here Z , I don’t want you . . .”

Before she could finish the passenger door flew open and Cobb grabbed her by the side of the head and the arm with his greasy meat-hook hands . She should have known this no-nuts mother fucker was in the area – he and Chupa were connected at the dick as far as she could tell . She gave him three quick shots to the ribs as she tried to yank her out of the car , the seat belt digging into her neck and starting to choke her .

Anzana screamed and jumped out of the car , scurrying off with her Yeti Tocayo Everyday Backpack as fast as her little Madden Brando Footbed Sandals would carry her as Sandra and Cobb struggled . She managed to jam a spike from her knucks into his eye but with a scream of effort her yanked her out of the car – the seatbelt coming unbuckled – and tossed her hard into the sidewalk .

“I to start wearing a mouth guard” Sandra thought to herself as she simultaneously consider that if the seatbelts come off that easily they wouldn’t be very helpful in a crash . She scrambled to her feet and caught an off-balance Cobb square in the chest with a hard kick but it was like kicking a bag of concrete . He caught her by the leg and grabbed her shoulder like a vise and they both fell awkwardly . Sandra managed to turn partially but she still landed painfully with the bulk of Cobb’s flabby carcass on top of her , driving the wind out of her .

As she bit into Cobb’s jaw and salty blood flowed into her mouth , great now she’d have to get a tetanus shot , she flashed back to being kicked out of the self-defense class at the Y for asking how to best bite someone’s eyeball . She wondered if those classes ever did anyone any good as Cobb violently slammed his head forward , bashing her head into the pavement and making her go glassy-eyed . She didn’t release her grip though as she bit down as hard as she could she hear something cracking – his jawbone ? Her teeth ? Both ?

She jabbed her knuck spikes into his neck as he got his massive bear-paw mitts around her neck . Her vision went black almost immediately as she continued to tear bloody rents across his throat . Her windpipe would be crushed in seconds so she pulled the Klein Tools Scratch Awl 7 7/8th inch with Cushion Grip she had absent-mindedly put in the pocket of her Taupe Floral Zimmerman Melody Wide Leg Pants earlier that day and drove it into Cobb’s abdominal internal oblique muscle . Fighting off the darkness washing over her she jabbed into Cobb’s side above the hip several more times and pushed her spikes against his neck desperately – his grip loosened and she was able to slither out from under him .

With Cobb on his hands and knees bleeding like a virgin in a prom night hotel she slammed her knee into his forehead and immediately regretted it , the man’s head was like a bowling ball . Limping back to her compact sport utility vehicle she grabbed her Bear Guard Alaska Bear Pepper Spray 9 Ounce Can out of its Nylon Holster in the glove compartment and sprayed the entire 9 ounces into Cobb’s fat stupid face as he screamed and pawed at the air like a cat chasing a laser pointer .

Once it was empty she threw the can at him out of spite and limped back to her vehicle again to grab her phone and dial 911 with bloody fingers .

Not an hour later Sandra Fagina is sitting in the back of an ambulance receiving treatment eyeballing Detective Dichiera as he finished up talking to Anzana and headed her way , flipping his notebook shut . Why does he have a notebook in this day and age ? He reached her and leaned against the side of the ambulance looking her over . She croaked at him like she had lost her voice screaming at a concert .

“Remind me again how do they let a Kiwi like you be an officer of the law in the United States ?”

“Kiwi is what you call someone from New Zealand , from Australia . We can talk about me all you like over a cup of coffee some other day , right now we to talk about you .”

“I think I broke my fucking kneecap .”

“Not about your knees .”

“Self-defense , pure and simple .”

“Seems that way Fagina , seems that way , but let me ask you something – why do you end up in so many situations where you to defend yourself from some local chucklehead who’s been given a fistful of dollars and a bag of meth to beat your head in ?”

She shrugged , then winced “Comes with the job .”
“Actually it doesn’t . Most PIs never get involved in situations like this. Most PIs take people’s money and don’t do jack other than tell them what they already know . Let me save you the trouble – you’re not like most PIs – I know , and not just because of the tits . What are you working on ? That Hubbard woman ?”

“You’re not as dumb as you look Dichiera .”

“How could I be ? And who’s paying you to stick your nose in that pile of shit ? And let me save you the trouble again – you can’t reveal details about your customers – you know what’s not true right ? There’s no such thing as PI-client confidentially .”

“There is if you want to keep getting work .”

“My point is if I ask you who’s paying you to investigate L Rhonda Hubbard and what she has to do with possibly supply pill mills and/or the possible sale of illegal firearms and/or the possible illegal importing of exotic animals you have to tell me .”

“Are you going to ask me ?”

“Not right now , my point is if I did you’d have to tell me . Just try not to kill anyone will you Fagina ?”

“I make no promises officer .”

“Detective actually .”

“My mistake .”

“Now , about that cup of coffee . . .”

“Sorry detective , I have a lot on my plate right now , not sure I can squeeze in a social call .”

“Isn’t that always the way . Say hi to Larry for me .”

The EMTs wanted to take her to the hospital but she refused – there was no time to lose . If someone was sending the local hired muscle after her that meant that things were going to start accelerating . If she was going to figure out what Hubbard was into she had to act quickly . Sitting gingerly in her car , she thought she might have a bruised tailbone , she took to her phone once more . Time for a call to Abdullah .

“Abby , what’s up , I a favor . . . . yeah I do only call when I a favor because we’re not friends . . . . well sure 50 bucks will make your feelings feel better . . . . a hundred ? No fucking way you fat fuck . . . . no . . . . no . . . . how about 75 bucks and a date with my sister ? What do you think ? Our father ran out on us when she was 8 , she has abandonment issues – of course she’ll put out . That is assuming you can even find your joint underneath all that flab . . . don’t be gross . . . . uh-huh . . . . right . . . . have Marks and Ridley meet me at the Redeye in 20 . . . yeah . . . yeah . . . I said I would didn’t I ? Great , you’re a prince among men Abby . . . . a fat prince but still . . .”

She hung up and took a deep breath , pain stabbing at her probably cracked ribs .

“Why do I do this ?”

She said to no one . But she already knew the answer . Doing something is better than doing nothing , even if what you’re doing isn’t the right thing for you . If you fall at least you’re still moving forward . She used the keyless ignition to start her vehicle and headed towards Anzana’s apartment . She was a good kid , time for her to start earning her keep .
4 Comments
Get Up Offa That Thing
Posted:Oct 20, 2018 8:35 am
Last Updated:Oct 22, 2018 3:14 pm
2447 Views
Sometimes people say of someone they're lusting after "I wouldn't kick them out of bed for eating crackers ."

I want to make one thing perfectly clearly to everyone - I don't care who are you , if you eat crackers in bed you are a disgusting animal .

I believe at this point I have collected enough information to declare with some measure of confidence that I am "weird" for wearing underwear with pajama pants . The first time someone was rooting around down there (if you know what I mean) and they said "are you wearing underwear ?" I thought they were the weird one because why wouldn't I be ? But I have enough data now to conclude that , as per usual , I am in the minority on this one .

My question to you fine people though is why ? I mean you have underwear on , you take off your non-sleep pants to put on other pants why do you think "I should take off my underwear also" ? What's the thought process ? What's the benefit ?

The worldwide use of pajamas is the result of adoption by British colonists in India in the 18th and 19th centuries and the British influence on the wider Western world during the Victorian era .

In January 2012 Michael Williams , a commissioner in Caddo Parish , LA , proposed an ordinance prohibiting people from wearing pajamas in public . Williams pushed for a law against pajama pants after seeing a group of young men wearing loose-fitting pajama pants that were about to show their private parts . According to Williams "The moral fiber in our community is dwindling . If not now , when ? Because it's pajama pants today , next it will be underwear tomorrow ."

Underwear Tomorrow would be a pretty good name . Not as good as Scam Likely , but good .



Sometimes on the movies and the TV you see a couple both brushing their teeth at the same time . This is insane . Ever never lived with someone in that capacity so I don't know but I cannot believe this really happens in really real life . Because why would it ? Why wouldn't you just wait 90 seconds and brush your teeth afterwards ? If your schedule is that tight you need to loosen things up a little bub .

The other day a couple was saying they feel all they do is watch Netflix and they wanted some ideas on other things do to and someone else went on a rant about how everyone is addicted to their screens these days and they need to get out and do stuff but when pressed about what "stuff" to do the person ranted admitted pretty much all they do is watch Netflix . I'm not sure if this was a brilliant comedy bit or a very sad real moment - possible both .

There's a disturbing number of articles out there about what to do when you have no friends besides binge-watch Blossom season 4 .

Life is hard (actually our lives are super easy but people don't like hearing that) . And Netflix provides a needed respite . But let me ax you a question .

How often are you choosing Netflix over something else ?

While I was reading about this I came across an article about the best TV couples of all time - most of which were from the past 20 years , I guess there were no good TV couples before 2000 . Admitting of course that the entire topic is extremely silly to begin with I have a complaint . Leonard and Penny were on list . WRONG . They are a terrible couple . I haven't watched the show in a few years but I doubt things got better .

The awkward nerd finally scoring the beautiful blonde is a well worn trope on account of a big portion of the audience is awkward losers who want to bang hot ladies (and yet there's very rarely a situation where the loser girl scores the hot dude) but there is on-screen no chemistry between Penny and Leonard (possibly because they banged in real life according to the Joey theory) . The main , possibly only reason , Penny goes for Leonard is because he already loves her . The end . She decides to be with Leonard less out of love and more out of convenience .

It's clearly evident that Leonard will do anything for Penny which she knows and takes full advantage of . There's no balance . I swear to you people that in one episode back in the day Penny suggests that it is Leonard's sole purpose to make her happy , and the crowd (or crowd noise effect" goes "aww" like that's a GOOD thing . That is HORRIBLE .

You know what else is horrible ? The 1983 Dan Ackroyd picture Dr. Detroit . It is truly dreadful EVEN but 1983 standards which as you know is saying something . Here's a quick summary -

"While Clifford is teaching classes, grading papers, catering a faculty party and assisting in hosting the visiting CEO, his Doctor Detroit alter ego has to find a way to get Thelma out of a solicitation charge and appear at the Players Ball to be proclaimed the new King of the Pimps while simultaneously appearing at Monroe College's annual Alumni Dinner."

That's pure 80s right there .

That not withstanding if you're anything like me (which you aren't) you've been wondering all these years what happened to the women who played Dr. Detroit's hos . I mean Fran Drescher achieved enough popularity later on that you more of less know her deal but what about the lessor known ho-actresses ?

Donna Dixon who played ho-Monica married Dan Ackroyd after the shooting of this terrible terrible movie and went on to star , no not star 'be' , in some other terrible Dan Aykroyd movies .

Lynn Whitfield who played who played ho-Thelma starred in a lady doctor show called HeartBeat with Kate "Captain Janeway" Mulgrew . She played the titular role in The Josephine Baker Story which won a bunch of awards but more importantly for a 14 year old me in which she appeared 100% nude . Later she would appear in critically acclaimed independent drama Eve's Bayou . Later still she appeared in a bunch of terrible movies . But she's still working you know ? And I wouldn't mind seeing her naked today . Which is surely the highest honor a woman can achieve .

Lydia Li who played ho-Jasmine had a reoccurring role and then disappeared mysteriously . Although is there any other way to disappear ? I suppose not . If you know where Lydia Li is let me know . Unless you killed her because that seems like a whole situation that I don't know how to deal with .

That could be an interesting movie plot - out of the blue Joe Everyman gets a call from someone claiming that he murdered a mildly famous actress from the 90's and starts giving little details that seem to be true about it . Because what's Joe going to do ? He goes to the police but they're convinced it's a crank call scenario . But he can't do nothing right ? The calls continue to come in and they weigh on his conscious . So he tries to investigate himself but really what can he do ? He's just a shift supervisor at FedEx what does he know about solving a crime .

That's a decent first act but I don't know where to go from there , or what the shocking reveal would be at the end where you find out why the murderer decided to call Joe in the first place .

Also no one calls anyone these days .

Did you know what Lara Flynn Boyle is from Iowa ? I didn't . I suppose that dispels the idea of Midwesterners being chunky . I don't remember her being in Wayne's World either , but she was . Her most recent film was Black Forest: Hansel and Gretel and the 420 Witch aka Hansel and Gretel Get Baked alongside Cary Elwes . I don't even know what to think about that .
4 Comments
There Will Come Soft Rains
Posted:Oct 15, 2018 5:09 pm
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2018 8:15 pm
2916 Views

I started reading a book by a friend of a friend of a friend which is kind of cool because I’ve never read a book written by a real person before . BUT I am somewhat apprehensive about it because it’s a female protagonist in a book written by a dude . That rarely goes well in my experience . At best the woman protagonist is basically just a dude with a lady name . At worst , well you know . There’s that famous line from As Good As It Gets when the lady asks Jack Nicholson how he writes women so well and he’s heard to remark ‘I think of a man . And I take away reason and accountability .” Ouch .

One time there was this TV show called Roseanne . It starred a lady called Roseanne who was played by a woman named Roseanne . Like many popular shows it was good for a while and then got really bad and then came back later and turned into a trainwreck . BUT one time before everyone found out she was insane in the membrane Roseanne the real lady , not Roseanne the character , said that Hollywood types need to stop sucking their own dicks over creating “strong female characters” because that doesn’t mean jack shit to a lady in a trailer park in Kansas City getting knocked around by her common law husband .

So realize as I launch into this that Roseanne has already WOKE me , I know this is all pointless .

One time there was this movie called Transformers the movie – not the animated one , the other one . It was OK , in a Michael Bay sort of way , but it clearly was made for a very specific audience : white nerdy men who wish they could bone models after watching them sexily fight robots so sweat cascades down their luscious tanned bodies . Fair enough. If you must , Michael Bay, if you must . Seems only fair if you you objectified some hot men every once in a while , but I understand that you think that would make you gay , and you don’t want that , Michael Bay . I understand .

You’re all WELL aware of how I feel about Megan Fox’s “performance” in this “movie” but then I saw that she said this -

“Both of the female characters in the movie were very strong characters. Rachel ’s character is very intelligent. I thought that they were representing women very well.”
I can live with movies that objectify women , but then to call those women “strong female characters” ? For shame Megan Fox, for shame .

Once upon a time in , female characters were the designated damsels in distress . They were tied to railroad tracks , trapped in burning buildings , falling to their deaths , waiting for Superman to save them . While the hero fought the Bad Guy , they’d sit in the back nervously chewing their nails instead of running away to get help or throwing a punch of their own . Sometimes just for laughs they’d seem smart , strong , and assured until the villain grasped them by their arm , leaving them powerless . Sometimes there was swooning.

Along would come the Captain Tightpants , strong , rugged , with a square jaw , pointy nipples and stony buttocks , to save the day . As in the heroic tales of old , their prize for defeating the villain would be the chance to bang the damsel and live happily ever after . Or more often ride off to the next damsel in the next town .
All in all , the DID was kind of a terrible character , but at least she did end up with the hot hero at the end . Sure , he might have anger issues or just be a jackass ; then again , he was also probably a prince or a cowboy or a hot cop or a superhero – or if the hero was a regular “everyman” he’d still be a Clark Gable or Cary Grant or Humphrey Bogart – so it wasn’t all bad .

Somewhere along the way feminism happened . It took a while, but some writers in Hollywood got the idea . No more would female characters be DIDs . No , there should be SFCs in cinema– emphasis on STRONG . While these women would still be young and hot , they’d also have one characteristic that made them more masculine . It could be physical strength or a superpower (Wonder Woman) , the ability to shoot a gun properly (Trinity from the Matrix) leadership skills (Princess Leia) , or being able to out-drink a guy (Marion from Raiders of the Lost Ark) . Writers patted themselves on the back , saying , “You wanted SFCs ? Well , now they’re strong” . Suck on that .

While these characters were marginally better than the original DIDs , they still ended up having to be saved in the final act by the male hero . There would usually be a scene or three where the SFC would be trapped by the villain and put into sexy clothing , as a punishment of some sort . And even when she was being strong , she was always doing it in the sexiest way possible . She’d never , say , get a black eye or a broken nose in a fight . Her ability to fix cars (a powerful, masculine trait) would allow her to get sexy grease all over her slippery body . Her ability to shoot a gun was so the film’s advertisers could put her on a poster wearing a skimpy outfit with a big gun between her legs . The “strength” of her character was to make her a better prize for the hero at the end – and for the horny male audience throughout .

But here’s the real dick-kick because of this the heroes got worse SFC would sometimes be rescued by the Hot Hero . More often though they’ll be saved by the Schlubby Everydude . Somewhere along the line directors decided that film heroes should be more like audience stand-ins : dull , scrawny , nerdy . So you wouldn’t have Hot “Strong” Marion sleeping with Hot Strong Indiana Jones at the end anymore . You’d have Hot “Strong” Megan Fox sleeping with Weaselly Weak Shia La Beouf at the end . If this female character is so strong and so hot and so great in every way , why in the world would she end up with that loser ? Because he’s the audience stand-in .

Some movies go even further . They pile up one awesome trait after another on top of this sexy female character, thinking it will make them “stronger”. Consider the aforementioned Rachel Taylor’s character in Transformers , who , Megan Fox claims , is an intelligent , SFC . She’s a 23-year-old , model-thin super-attractive super-genius hacker who is so very smart that everyone in the Pentagon spends the whole movie looking at her dumbly because she’s just so much better than them at everything . This is the female character who is “a supermodel who also happens to be a top scientist with a knack for marksmanship” .

This Super SFC is almost like a Mary Sue , except instead of being perfect in every way because she’s a stand-in for the author , she’s perfect in every way so the male audience will want to bang her and so the female audience won’t be able to say “tut-tut , what a weak female character ! ” Everybody wins !

Perhaps the problem here is that women were clamoring for “strong female characters” and male writers misunderstood – you know how those wacky males are with their misunderstanding . They thought the people meant [Strong Female] Characters instead of [Strong Characters] , Female .

Good characters have goals and they have flaws . Any character without flaws will be a cardboard cutout . Perhaps a sexy cardboard cutout nonetheless but two-dimensional for being so . Always goes for douchebags instead of the Nice Guy is not a real flaw . Men think women have that flaw , but most women avoid “Nice Guys” because they aren’t that nice . So that doesn’t count .

So what flaws can female characters have ? How about the same flaws a male character would have ? This is especially important in comedies , because many male writers are so clueless about writing funny women that female characters in sitcoms , sitcomish-movies , and sitcomish-sitcoms tend to be the Smart Gorgeous Snarky Voice of Reason in an unreasonable world .

Let’s see more female characters
•who fall down hilariously (Lucille Ball)
•who are arrogant (Zhang Yiyi in Crouching Tiger , Hidden Dragon)
•who are realistic or exuberant villains (Tilda Swinton in Michael Clayton)
•who are neurotic (Elliott from Scrubs)
•who are just mean (Elaine from Seinfeld)
•who are vengeful (Beatrice Kiddo from Kill Bill)
•who are forgetful (Dory from Finding Nemo)
•who say the wrong things (again Elliott from Scrubs)
•who are emotionally repressed (Marge from The Simpsons)
•who are nerdy and awkward (Belle from Beauty and the Beast)
•who are just messed up (like everyone IRL )
•who are insufferable know-it-alls (Hermione)
•who are depressed (I can’t think of one , which is interesting , since women are more likely to be depressed in real life . Who’s the female equivalent of Hamlet ? Is there one ? )

They don’t have to be physically strong , although they can be — The Bride , the women from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon , Ripley and Sarah Connor are strong SFCs . They have their own goals that move beyond “I want to do whatever the male hero wants to do” or “I want to marry the male hero” . “I want to have a baby” is only moderately better – moderately . Let’s try to be a little more creative .

By the way , it’s OKAY if these women are hot . The characters I just mentioned are all quite attractive . But they also DO get beat up and they DO look like they could kick your ass . Except for Zhang Yiyi , who’s like thirty pounds – but she at least looks graceful enough that she could fly and kick your ass with a sword and she looks angry and crazy enough that she’d do it . They all have their own goals , flaws , and back stories . I don’t want you thinking I have something against attractive women , not because I don’t , because I do , but for different reasons .

Once your female characters have some depth to them , it doesn’t really matter if the male hero saves them or not . For instance he Batman (NO not again 40 ! ) saves Rachel Dawes a couple of times , but I never saw her DID , because she was her own person with her own moral code and own heroic goals to clean up Gotham with her lawyer powers . There was nothing in her background that led me to believe she’d be able to fight supervillains , so when Batman has to save her just like he saves everyone else , it’s fine . If instead , say , she had beaten up the Joker with her super kung fu skills she learned in self-defense class and her super-powered mace she developed in her own chem lab after she got her PhD from Harvard , and her makeup and hair still looked good afterward , then she’d be LESS of a SFC . She’d just be some image of what the nerdy male audience wants in a damsel .

Point is I am woke as fuck so it’s okay to suck my dick .
4 Comments
50 Shades of Dorian Gray
Posted:Oct 14, 2018 3:32 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2018 5:15 pm
3124 Views

Now there's a mash-up everyone can enjoy .

It's been a LONG time since I got a blog request but much as I did in my very unpopular post where I reviewed the Harry Potter movies just from the trailers I have been asked to do the same for the 50 Shades series .

So here we go , 50 Shades of Grey . Woman in an elevator – remember the trailer for Damages with the lady in the elevator . It’s not like that . “This is just an interview for the newspaper” she says in a voice over . I already don’t like that JUST an interview ? As opposed to what ? Is there anymore overused word than just ? I mean LITERALLY . Oh the guy’s name is Mr. Grey , that’s dumb . I thought his name was Mr. Big . His sexy blonde lady assistant seems like she’s 8 feet high , maybe the other lady is just really short .

I don’t like this lady already , she’s very timid . I guess that’s the idea though – she needs his dude to set her free . “I’d like to know more about you” classic move . Not really appropriate in an interview though . He doesn’t seem all that cool to me . LOL she’s all like “I mean look at me” like she’s not an incredible attractive movie actress or anything . I guess she is wearing a sweater . That’s probably Hollywood Ugly .

This guy looks like a real weirdo . Aww shit the music just changed things are about to get freaky . “To what do you owe your success ?” “I exercise control in all things” . Drop on anvil on us why don’t you ? I wonder what he’s a success in . He’s some sort of business tycoon . I presume they don’t go into that too much .

They’re walking in a forest now . Still part of the interview for the newspaper ? Ha , this movie came out on Valentine’s Day , I wonder which happened more – guys being dragged to this movie or guys taking women to it who really couldn’t have cared less ? “Come on Gina it’s friggin’ romantic ! What do you want from me ?”

Now she’s on a different elevator in an ugly blue jacket – you know because she’s a plain Jane and NOT a sexy movie actress lady . They’re making out in this elevator . I was just talking about that last night . I don’t like being in elevators . Now they’re getting on a helicopter . How far can helicopters actually go ? I’ve always wonder that . Seems like they’d be pretty short range .

He’s incapable of leaving her alone . Stalker alert . She’s into it though so it’s fine . Now he’s playing a piano – I suppose to show that he’s a sensitive type deep down past his alleged macho business exterior . She’s wearing a sheet so I guess they already banged . I suppose you don’t bring up the freaky stuff until after you bang a few times .

He tells her to stay away because he’s bad news . THAT ONLY MAKES HER WANT HIM MORE !!! What a twist ! Now she’s trying to kiss another dude and he runs up and shoves the guy away . Not sure what that’s about . Is there a love triangle here ? Where did he come from ? Maybe he really is stalking her . I feel like if you’re rich you should have people for that .

Looks like this other guy has a motorcycle ? Maybe he’s the blue collar foil to richie-rich here . I wonder if Nicole Ritchie is in this movie . Probably not . Is Lionel Ritchie still alive ? Now they’re banging again . Maybe she was kissing that other dude to make him jelly ? She awakes alone – he’s gone . She’s distress .

“I don’t do romance” he says while finger-banging her under a table at a dinner of some sort . We get it people he’s not a nice guy . Now he’s walking around shirtless but he’s wearing dungarees . Maybe he’s trying to look like the blue collar guy ? That doesn’t seem very dominatoring . But what I don’t know about dominance could fill a book – and that book is 50 Shades of Grey . Or Gray . Not sure .

Oh snap he’s got a blindfold now we’re getting somewhere . “You wouldn’t understand” that seems a little condescending – I feel like BDSM is pretty much understood by everyone at this point . I suppose he meant she wouldn’t understand it on like a deep metaphysical level . People love to pretend that whatever they’re into is totally mysterious and special . I bet she’ll say something like “teach me” or some bullshit like that .

Now they’re flying some kind of super jet . They’re having a grand old time . Maybe his company does avionics . His shirts off again . I’ll had it to the guy he’s got a good body , C minus face though . “Enlighten me then” . I was pretty close . I’m going to give that one too me .

Oh snap again now he opens the LOCKED DOOR to I assume his super dungeon . I understand the drama of the locked door opening but that’s pointless really . I mean does he have roommates ? He’s he trying to keep out ? Maybe the main keeps stealing his silver plated butt plugs . Now we’re getting a super fast montage – brief flashes of nudity , rope bondage , some kind of apparatus , robes hitting the ground – freaky people are really into robes . Maybe his company makes robes .

Not sure I like this version of “Crazy In Love” .

So that’s it I guess . She meets this dude and they bang and then it gets fetishy . Seems a little thin for a while movie let alone a trilogy . I guess we’ll find out .

Moving on – Fifty Shade Darker .

Again comes out on Valentine’s Day . I wonder if the second movie had a significant drop off attendance wise from the first . We got some fireworks going off . Not sure what that’s about . Maybe his company makes fireworks . He’s giving her a present . Apparently we’re supposed to forget the past . Seems a little brainwashy . Okay he’s putting on a mask NOW things are going to get all Eyes Wide Shut I assume . A shot of her feet in heels for the foot people .

That looks like a different dude . Did they switch Mr. Bigs between movies ? The gift is a mask for her – a nice girly one though . Dudes always just have matte Lone Ranger masks , the women get the good ones . Yet another example of the double standard . They’re at some kind of gala . I wonder if it’s a freaky gala or a normal gala .

Wait maybe that was a different guy because now she’s getting flowers and the voice over says I want you back . I guess at the end of the first movie things didn’t work out ? Or is that blue collar motorcycle man that wants her back ? Those flowers are pretty nice .

Mr. Big is looking wistfully out a window . Okay , I get it now the first movie is him being all “I don’t DO romance ya dig ?” but now she’s shown him what love is . She’s not into it though . Their eyes lock in an art gallery – must be stalking her again . Now SHE’s the one being all like “lets bang already bro” . Role reversal ! No more sweaters for this gal .

Are they banging in a shower with their clothes on ? Is that a fetish ? Wait her name is Anastasia ? That’s terrible . Back in the day that was 100% the go-to name for any woman I knew writing erotica . Have you ever met an Anastasia in real life ? I bet it’s Anastasia Steel or something like that . Oh snap what if she’s Remington Steel’s daughter ? That would be a twist for sure . Shared universe !

More fireworks . This second movie must take place on the 4th of July or something . Mr. Big is doing pull ups – his lats look great . Much better face too , if it’s not a different guy they must have done some good plastic surgery on him . She says “this time no rules” it is so fucking ON !
They’re on a yacht . Maybe things get all Dead Calm . Hmm , “no punishments” . What’s that about ? I can’t tell if she’s saying no more freaky stuff or let’s get super de duper freaky . Partial nudity – robes falling to the floor . Hmm , “no more secrets” . So he must have had some secret that broke them up in the first movie . What could it be ?

Okay she’s shutting the door on the dungeon room so I guess they’re back in the swing of things ?

Aw snap they’re in bed together and some other broad is standing there looking at them . Maybe the secret was he’s married ? Maybe blue color motorcycle guy had a sex change and he’s trying to break them up from another angle . That would be a twist . Oh wait she’s gone . So she was a ghost ? Does this get all supernatural ? I mean this is supposed to be Twilight fan fiction are the vampires finally showing up ?

She’s trying to leave a room of some sort and he’s all up in her business . Or wait is that another dude ? She’s shushing her . Did she cheat on him ? Now they’re back at the gala and she’s leaving in a huff because of some other lady . Who’s she ? Is that the wife ?

Now there’s a bunch of cars in a parking garage . Is this going all Fight Club now ? Is it a drug deal ? Mr. Big is getting some kind of report on Anastasia . Is she a mole for a rival fireworks factory ? Now the helicopter is crashing into a river . Is she an assassin from a rival fireworks factory ? I had no idea the fireworks industry was so cutthroat .

Now they’re at a different masked ball ? Stacy is very upset about something and she runs into Mr. Big’s arms who was waiting outside by a car – more stalking ? The other chick is back , not the one from the party the other one – sounds like she’s a jilted ex maybe . So not a vampire I guess .
And that’s it . They really don’t give much information in there trailers . I guess they assume you read the books . Maybe it will all make more sense in the next one .

Part 3 – Fifty Shades Freed

Oh shit they’re married now . I guess she did teach him how to love . Or at least trapped him with a pregnancy scare . I bet that’s why people first got into BDSM stuff – no way to get preggo there . Tying someone up and wailing on them was probably the best thing to do before birth control . A montage of how awesome her life is now that she’s ultra mega rich . Not quite as good as bring a princess but being rich is pretty close . I guess she’s Anastacia Grey now . Do rich people really ride jet skis ? Seems very low class . Have you seen that porn video of the people banging on a jet ski ? I have .

This one also comes out on Valentine’s Day . I wonder if there’s a couple who went to see all three on Valentine’s Day . And if so I wonder what , if anything , that says about them . I further wonder if there’s any couples that are both really into the books . Seems unlikely . REAL BDSM people hate the books and I can’t see too many non-BDSM dudes being into this .

Some sexy stuff . He says all his wealthy meant NOTHING until she came into his life . That’s a good line . I wish I was rich so I could say something like that . That’s the only reason I wish I was rich . She has an office now and an assistant . She’s an editor sounds like – maybe his company is a publishing company ? He wouldn’t be rich then though since print media is dead .

He bought them a house . Doesn’t seem important to the plot . Maybe the house is haunted . Okay I get it now , the architect is a sexy blonde lady – there’s going to be trouble there . Maybe each movie has a different love triangle . She looks pretty tall too . She’s getting all handsy with Mr. Big and Stacy slaps her down , verbally of course , a catfight would be crass in this softcore porn .

Some more sexy stuff . Showing that she’s a match for him . Now a car is following them . A dramatic car chase ? Seems out of place . Hmm , now some scruffy guy named Jack is in the mix . Stacy is very upset about this . More sexy time . I guess his name is Christian . I’ve always found that a little strange . I mean I’ve never met anyone else who’s name is a religion . Except my friend Ed Scientology .

Is that Kim Basinger ? What’s she doing in this movie ? Remember when she went broke and had to be in Wayne’s World 2 ? Talk about movies that don’t hold up well over time . Same with Austin Powers . Now she’s asking someone if he slept with some other woman . Is that Mr. Big ? He looks different . But who else would they be asking ? Did they bring back the original actor halfway through filming the third movie ? That would be a bold move .

Some sort of nightclub fight scene . Huh , now she’s putting a gun down her buttcrack . That’s never seemed like a good idea to me . First of all the metal is probably cold . Second it seems very easy to the gun to fall out of or down into your pants . And third it seems really hard to quick draw from your ass . So wait , she’s having some kind of confrontation with Jack in an abandoned fireworks factory and some other woman is tied to a chair . What the heck is happening here ? Now Mr. Big has a gun ?

More sexy time . Climax pun . And that’s it . These trailers are real coy with details . Maybe there’s not a lot of tell , maybe the running time is 78% sexy time . Seems like movie #1 Lois Lane teaches the Tinman how to love . Movie #2 ???? . Movie #3 action adventure shoot ‘em up ? Dunno . What I do know is that with the release of the book and its popularity, injuries related to BDSM and sex toy use spiked dramatically . In 2012 (you know the year the world ended) sexy injuries requiring emergency room visits increased by over 50% . This is speculated to be due to people unfamiliar with both the proper use of these toys and the safe practice of bondage and other "kinky" sexual fetishes attempting what they had read in the book .

That would be funny if that was the author’s intent because she had stock in a medical supply company – specifically in the surgical tongs they use to extract sex toys from people’s asses . Yes it would .

I’ve heard that the book was horrible written . Why are books with shitty writing always the most popular . I mean the Da Vinci Code ? Fuck you sir . Fuck you .
4 Comments
Shut up about Batman dammit !
Posted:Oct 12, 2018 6:00 pm
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2018 2:15 pm
3269 Views

The Batman has been around awhile . As they say in the Lego Batman movie he has aged phenomenally . But it does mean that it’s hard to come up with a new Batman story . Thankfully I the smartest man alive . Unthankfully I use my super intelligence to think about this kind of stuff instead of create a clean burning fuel that also doubles as hand sanitizer .

Here’s the pitch . Opening scene , the standard shit goes down in Gotham – villains are robbing some place and taking hostages and causing a general brouhaha and the Batman shows up to stop them . Which , as always , involves a significant amount of collateral damage . One of the buildings that gets f’d in the A (as the kids say) is an records building . After all hoopla when the criminals are getting wailed on by the police in a windowless interrogation room and the Batman is back at his mansion partying the night away with lady tennis players a crew of dudes is out cleaning up the mess .

One dudes decides to snoop around the records because why wouldn’t you ? Just when the foreman (you know he’s the foreman because he’s balding and has Popeye forearms) bawls at him to get back to work he finds a file called “the Killing Joke” (a little shout for the comic book nerds) and stuffs it in his overalls . Later on he’s in his crummy one bedroom apartment , overalls rolled down , shirtless , eating day pizza and drinking off-brand beer and reading through the reports .

There’s a persistent fan theory about the Joker from the Dark Knight (the greatest movie ever) that his real backstory (You look nervous ? Is it the scars ? Wanna know how I got ‘em ? ) is that he’s a former military dude with PTSD and an ax to grind . We’ll use that but that’s not why he’s the Joker , no , no , no , not at all . This fella , we’ll call him Jack Napier (shout out to the Michael Keaton Batman fans) comes back from serving his country , special ops of course , and things aren’t going great for him . Gotham is a real shithole and he didn’t risk his life out there in Kreblekistan for his hometown to turn into the kind of place where a man in a Halloween costume needs to run around karate chopping poor people .

So he starts agitating and protesting and organizing – things need to change . He starts getting some traction with his grassroots campaign and starts making things uncomfortable for a lot of local power players , you know getting the common folk all riled up and whatnot . So they decide to go for a twofer – not only are they going to rid themselves of an annoying political activists but they’re also going to strengthen their stranglehold on the city .

So they have their police/goons grab old Jacky boy off the street one day after one of his rallies . And they take him to the famed Arkham Asylum where he’s treated to a whole cocktail of psychotropic drugs and various other bad shit – drugs , , mental conditioning , the whole nine yards . They turn him into the Joker .

And then they set him loose on the city and the Joker does what he does and people die and eventually Batman stops him . But the point is that people are scared of his new “super” villain who acts seemingly without motivation . They vote for more police funding , they vote for less civil liberties , they vote for the people who say they can protect them from the Joker menace , they vote themselves less power , they vote out of fear and paranoia – what if the Joker poisoned the water supply ?!?! We a company to come in and take over the water rights – that just so happens to be run by the mayor’s nephew . Etc.

So they keep Jack on ice in the Asylum (you can add in a B-plot love story with a non-Harlequinned Dr. Quinzel if you want) and every time they to stir things up and make people afraid because there’s an election coming up or some such they pump him full of drugs again and the Joker “escapes” from Arkham Asylum and runs amok through the city until the Batman stops him . People are afraid again and they are easily manipulated by the powerful elites who hold Gotham in their iron grip .

Okay , that’s interesting and all 40 but I thought this was a Batman story .

getting to that . So the dude finds out about this crazy conspiracy – they the Gotham City Police Department is using the Joker as a mad dog stalking horse false flag operation to keep their corrupt enterprise going . And he does what anyone does when they find out about a crazy conspiracy – they go on the internet and blab about it . And one listens except for a couple other conspiracy nuts – and their support only hurts his cause because they’re widely regarded as crazy conspiracy nuts . The truth IS out there , but no one cares .

Except the Batman . He cares . And he Batmans the shit out of it – he is the world’s greatest detective you know . And he discovers that it’s all true . His hated enemy and bitter rival – the one man who could possible get him to break The Rule – is actually the victim . Not only that but as he digs into he discovers that all of his enemies have been created by the GCPD . Harvey Dent was trying to lock up bad cops so they made him Two-Face , Pamela Isley was trying to do something about Gotham’s insanely liberal pollution statues so they made her into Poison Ivy , Bane actually is as variety of GCPD officer playing the role for extra , the Scarecrow is a police psychiatrist who likes to study fear close up , etc.

Batman , the ultra-prepared ultra-smart man among men has been getting played this whole time . And that’s not the half of it .

Creating villains is only part of the plan , they also a vigilante to take care of them – and to cause as much damage as possible to the poor parts of town so they can be bought on the cheap and then gentrified . After all , people aren’t SO gullible that they’re going to accept the police driving around town in a tank armed with missile launchers , and no city PD is going to be able to swing flying around in a jet without raising a few eyebrows – so you yourself a good fashioned vigilante . One with enough money to pull it off .

They ID little Bruce Wayne as being the correct mental profile , they kill his parents – which is a bonus because they were crusading do-gooders as well – and the murderer (actually young GCPD officer Jim Gordon) is never caught of course . And to make sure things go the way they want to they bring in Alfred Pennyworth to raise him – a surrogate father/master manipulator who subtly manipulates the hair to the Wayne family fortune to use that fortune to become a nightstalking crimefighter .

The Joker is the stray dog they let off the leash to make a mess and the Batman is the trained attack dog they use to deal with him . And the circle goes on and on . It explains why things never get better in Gotham City . It explains why the Joker and his kind never go to jail , they just end up in Arkham which seems to be about as secure as a breadbag with a twist-tie . It explains why the police never do anything about the Batman himself . It explains everything .

The rich people want an autocratic police state but you have to be subtle about these things – you set up a no holds barred steel cage death match between a man in a bat costume and a psycho clown and people are going to pay attention . Who’s going to worry about abusing zoning regulations when the Joker is blowing up hospitals ? It’s all one big snowjob .

The question is what happens then . The obvious answer is that the Batman rescues the Joker and helps him get back to normal and then they team up and take down the GCPD and all the rich people but that seems somewhat trite .

But then again this is a Batman movie we’re talking about so maybe it’s okay– we ain’t making Citizen Kane here folks .

A really dark ending would be that it seems like Batman is going to rescue the Joker and help him but instead he just beats him up and tosses him in Arkham like always – because even knowing now that it’s all a lie he can’t help himself . It’s all he knows . If the exposes the lie his entire life becomes a lie .

That’s pretty messed up right there .
2 Comments

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